i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
