If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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