also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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