Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
