Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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