I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
No subtext here. People are naked.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
