The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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