the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
