I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
