Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize