Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
