I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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