She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize