its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
