def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
