Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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