Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
