You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
