I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
