Me. At least after what I've been through.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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