I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
