I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I am one with the molecules
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize