I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
