I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
