1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
