Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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