my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He felt like a one man threesome
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
you had me at cake vodka
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
