my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
