Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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