Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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