The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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