I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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