Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think my vagina is haunted
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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