# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
