Can Purell be used as lube?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
