you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
