First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
