I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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