She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
