She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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