it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
