I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
