the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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