VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize