Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
