dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
