Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
