eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
