Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
