I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
