Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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