You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
