My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize