May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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