Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We need to get me chipped asap
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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